how about some new Wertz music, 2013?

Look who dropped in the studio last night to sing in my gang!
It’s Ben Rector everyone!

“Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.” ~Thomas H. Huxley

“If I had my life to live over again, I’d try to make more mistakes next time.

I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this trip.

I know of very few things I would take seriously.

I would take more trips. I would be crazier.

I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets.

I would do more walking and looking.

I would eat more ice cream and less beans.

I would have more actual troubles, and fewer imaginary ones.”

-written by a Friar in a Nebraska monastery

Man is what he believes. -Anton Chekhov

For the last two weeks I’ve been driving my friend’s Range Rover while he was out of town.  I LOVE cars.  I love Range Rove-ing cars, and let me tell you, this thing is BEAUTIFUL.  It has subwoofers in the front seats, REAL WOOD on the steering wheel and dash, and is easily the smoothest ride I’ve had in a long time. Let’s just say it makes my ’73 Ford truck feel like…well, like a ’73 Ford truck. 

One of the things  I noticed early in my borrowing the car was the looks I started getting from a completely different demographic of people.  I guess I should clarify: I didn’t get looks before driving my friend’s car, so really what I noticed was the sudden presence of looks. And, well I liked it. 

 And then, BAM. It hit me.

THIS is why I can’t own a car like this (aside from the infeasibility of not being able to AFFORD it).

You see, I have a tendency to try to attach my value to THINGS I buy, and have burned through a lot of stuff in my life attempting to extract some kind of sense of self from it all. I’ve even caught myself presenting new purchases to a friend or family member like it was a trophy I had just won, hoping for praise. As if ‘Yeah, Matt, that’s a really cool shirt!’ is gonna do anything significant to affirm me as a person.

And what if I DO get affirmed for the things I pick out and buy throughout my life? Guess what I’m going to keep doing?

I’m probably going to keep buying stuff and showing it off.

‘Hey did y’all see THIS thing? Am I still valuable?’

It makes me think about a conversation I had with my good friend Byron. Byron is in his 50’s and has an amazing marriage and three great sons.  Every time I get to hang out with Byron, I ask him questions about his life and marriage and how in the world he was able to raise such amazing young men. 

One of the things Byron told me the last time we got together was he has made it a point to affirm his boys GIFTS more than their TALENTS. 

Let me clarify. 

A ‘GIFT’ in this illustration, would be a ‘born with’ kinda thing, and a ‘TALENT’ is more a learned skill.  Things like thoughtfulness, creativity, or service could be examples of ‘gifts’ as well as kicking a soccer ball or playing the piano if those abilities are obviously ‘born-in’.  Talents usually lie more on external things that, with enough will-power and elbow grease, a person could gain proficiency in.

Byron says a person will develop and hold tight to whatever thing is most frequently affirmed in them. 

I don’t know when I began trying to receive validation for the things I buy, but now that I’m aware of it, it really changes things. 

It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy things or am never going to buy stuff I like or think is beautiful.  I’m just more aware of the motivation behind purchases I make, and what’s behind my showing these things off to people. I think the more I’m able to love and accept myself as/is, the less I’ll need things like a Range Rover to make me feel ok. 

What has been affirmed in you consistently throughout your life? Is it a gift, or a talent? What do you call out and encourage in the people around you?

(Sidenote: in no way am I suggesting if you drive a nice car, you’re trying to compensate for something. These are my own realizations for me and I make no judgement on anyone else… just please promise to let me borrow your sweet ride if you leave town.)

Saw this album cover posted at the place we ate dinner last night and was instantly drawn in to how freaking cool Kris Kristofferson looks. Can we PLEASE go back in time to 1972?

I used to think the sum of what we have makes us who we are.

Now, however, I’m starting to think it’s the things we lay down.

Keeping thoughts to 140 characters (or pop song structure, for that matter) has become a bit confining, and has honestly been too safe a place for me to hide. I’ve started a blog on tumblr to provide a space for the overflow of words.

There has been no shortage of internal conflict over my sharing convictions or thoughts of any great depth on a mass level, because I am a cynic and I know there are other cynics out there who will surely rip me and what I think to shreds. I actually can anticipate what some of you are thinking, because it’s what I’M thinking.

It sounds something like this: ‘GREAT! A blogging singer-songwriter: 2 things the world already has enough of- ALL ROLLED INTO ONE!!’

I’ve been challenged a bit on this thinking however, and I’m going to try and not let the critic in my head have veto power over my heart and what I know to be true for me. 

Here’s a little sampling of what Critic Within tells me:

‘What do YOU have to say that has any importance or uniqueness…at least any more special than what anyone else has to say? How arrogant do you have to be; writing a bunch of thoughts out and posting them online? Leave the hypothesizing and proselytizing to someone else, and mind your own business.’

 I’m telling that guy to shut up.

 I do have something to say, and I don’t quite know how to say it yet. So far, it’s been confined to a structure of ‘verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus, DONE’. And while occasionally I have been able to communicate my reality honestly in that format, I have found that I have more to say then can fit into a song- at least a pop song.

I have to admit I’m afraid of this.

I’m afraid that what I write won’t be interesting or funny.

I’m afraid that I’ll share too much.

I’m afraid I won’t stick with it and this will be added to my heaping pile of false-starts.

I’m afraid you won’t like me or my music if you know more about me.

I’m afraid that if I do let you know more about me, the burden of that will be more than I can handle.

But, if I’m deciding to not let fear rule anymore, I have to start somewhere, right? And maybe by taking a few minutes occasionally to stop and ask myself ‘What’s going on?’ and let y’all into it, I’ll slowly chip away at what blocks me from really being free of fear.

What are you afraid of?  What is the Critic Within telling you? Why are you listening to it?